April 11 // Sign that I need to let go

Some days simply don’t work out. No matter how good your intentions are. 

I went to bed early in order to wake up energized for my morning boxing class.

Woke up at 6h30 and was proud of myself to actually get up as soon as the alarm went off. (I tend to snooze a lot lately) Cold shower, grabbed my journal and a book, went on the rooftop to see if I could catch some sort of a sunrise despite the cloudy sky. 

Wrote a few lines while listening to my favorite piano playlist and staring at the horizon.

Although everything seemed to be going well, I still felt like a really dense cloud was hovering over my head. The kind of cloud that just wouldn’t leave. But I kept writing and telling myself that it’ll pass, I just need a good boxing class. 

So I grab my things, head back to my loft, grab my gym bag and leave for the class. 

During this whole time driving, I couldn’t stop overthinking and doubting everything that I currently have in my life. 

Doubts about myself, about how I could be a better friend, more present, more useful. About the people I kinda let down lately and also about the beautiful projects that I got going but suddenly doubting everything and wanting to quit. This conversation goes on and on in my head until I finally arrive at my destination. At this point all I wanted was to punch a bag and sweat it off. 

I got there earlier to find parking and be on time for the class. 

5 minutes went by trying to find a parking space. 

10 minutes. 

15 minutes. 

Shit missed the class. 

(It’s the first time I really couldn’t find any parking spot. Normally I’d jump in the class even if I’m a bit late. So no parking wasn’t an excuse to skip the class)

At this point I felt like maybe I was just trying too much. This period of my life where I simply don’t stop. Yes I take some time to pause and recenter myself but I also have a hard time knowing what my body needs right now because there is so much going on. There is so much going on because it’s a really stressful period of my life where everything seems to  change and what used to be easy and flowy (kind of taken for granted) is now really hard.  

I’ve come to realize that when I feel unsure about what my body and I need, it’s usually because all I need is to rest and sleep. My judgement isn’t the best when I'm worn out.

I didn’t make a big deal out of it. I took the L and went home. Wasn’t going to spend any more time driving around the cluttered streets of downtown Montreal. I figured it would be best to simply go home without  trying to fight the situation this early in the morning…

I can still save the day, I told myself. 

On my way home the little chatters kept going. 

“what a loser” “You can’t commit to shit” “what are you going to do at home anyways” etc. etc. Building some sort of resentment towards myself. 

Then I thought to myself; Maybe life is simply trying to teach me to fucking stop for once. 

That you are tired and need to rest. 

So I got  home, it’s only 8:30. I still got time to reset the day. 

Start my coffee machine, leave my phone behind so I won’t be distracted by anything, grab my macbook and start writing. 

I decided to make the most out of this situation by documenting the whole story as a reminder to LISTEN TO MY BODY. To stop doing all the time. 

I’ve been writing this for the past 20 minutes. 20 minutes of focus. Without overthinking, without the doubts or negative chatters from earlier. 

I don’t know if I saved the day just yet. I’ll have my coffee and do the little things that might make me happy today. But I’m also OK and mentally ready to have a not-so-great day. I just won’t fight it and try to make up for it. 

Before writing : fighting it.

After writing: Accepting it. 

I now realize that I might have chosen to go boxing this morning to prevent a bad day even though I needed sleep rather than punching on a bag. I knew it. I simply didn’t listen to myself. 

Letting it go. some days stay cloudy no matter what you do. 

Tomorrow is another day.